But Google assumed I meant “dirty wizard,” which, according to the Urban Dictionary, is actually a sexual act I personally have yet to try: “When one waves their dick around while saying ‘abracadabra’ ...

It was as though I was waving a magic wand at myself and saying abracadabra. Only there was no magic wand and I hadn't said "abracadabra". At that moment a brilliant clinging sound chimed three ...