We were an all-in elf family: We watched the "Elf on the Shelf ... find the creepy little felt creatures staring up at me from my office desk. These days, however, the elves are stationary.

In fact, the film has grossed over $223 million worldwide, per Box Office Mojo. But I couldn't sit through "Elf" for more than 10 minutes without feeling offended. After forcing myself to sit ...